I’m In Competition With No One
For as long as I can remember, my entire life had always been about competitions. I was either competing with my siblings, my classmates from primary school right up to university, my friends from way back and then my colleagues too. I’m often told, competition is both internal and external yet I’m also reminded of the word;team and the essence of team spirit; succeeding together!
My parents raised my siblings and I on competitive spirits and though their intentions may have been genuine, I personally believe in harnessing the strengths of each child rather than engaging them in unhealthy competitions. And while some thrive excellently well, for others, its the onset of low self esteem. I also strongly believe the necessity to explain your reason/actions should you want to introduce competition amongst them.
When I transited from primary to secondary school, my parents upped the competition game. Your previous terms report card had a positive correlation with the amount of pocket money you’re entitled to as well as the weight of your provision box for the next term. They introduced what I’d call the Board Room Appraisal System (B.R.A.S), a session I dreaded between my first and second year in college.
The ritual starts early in the morning after devotion and each child was called in one after the other for an appraisal. My dad was a banker and my mum a business woman, put those two together and there was no means of escape especially when it came to money issues; one is good at managing it while the other specialized in accounting for every penny. Roll call started from the most senior child trickling down to the last born, I was the sixth out of seven children. The long quiet wait made it more agonizing and you could tell how one’s session went from the look on their faces when they walked in to call the next in line.
My older sister walked in and asked for my youngest sister. She’d been called up. But I’m next! Why was I skipped? All sorts of thoughts ran through my head, with my parents, there were no rooms for guesses or assumption, you couldn't even tell what they were thinking during Board Room sessions. It’s moments like these where I question my genealogy, am I really begotten of them? My sister’s session lasted less than the time it took to blink an eyelid, I was summoned! They say;you save the best for last, I consoled myself as I walked quietly and slowly to my chair at the dinning table. There sat my envelope, the last one, kept aside from everyone else.
Your sister came tops in her class, so did your older sister and likewise your other siblings. They all had good results. You? Position 77th out of 84. You came 7th from behind. It’s because you eat too much and play a lot too.
My mum added after my dad. Those words rang in my brain for the rest of my life. I remembered my younger sister laughing loudly at me, either the walls were quite thin you could hear what was said accompanied by pin drop silence, or we’d become professional eavesdroppers just to hear everyone's judgement. The rest of my holiday that season were either spent on compulsory study, afternoon naps because I wasn’t allowed to watch TV or going to bed at night earlier than everyone, I was the censure of the season.
With every win comes a prize and my parents knew how to award good prizes, I’d like to believe they took a graduate course in it. For my almost twin sister (older sister), my mum bought her a beautiful ball dress which I was never allowed to wear or touch. It was always hung in a particular corner in a closet we shared, it served as my reminder; I was a failure. Fast forward 4 months later, another appraisal season rolled in. I’d significantly improved. I ranked within the top 10 in my class.
Henceforth, competition became a part of me, almost like a second skin, for I also, had tasted the rewards of hard work which earned me more work. I was constantly looking out for the next feat to defeat and no one was permitted to stand in my way. Often times, my friends ask why I didn't opt for a law degree; I always had a ready answer to every question (it usually pops out of no where), and I could argue my way out of anything!
I was a go-getter even though I failed to realize the strings of damage I was leaving behind. My competition wasn’t borne out of purity but from contempt, if I couldn’t have it, why should they? Lest I be termed a failure? God forbid!!!
Somewhere between my university days, I got involved with someone toxic who told me “you’d never amount to anything! No one would ever love you, you’re worthless! And should you walk away, you’d always know I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you! In no time you’d come crawling back, you wait and see!”
That became my worst night mare for years and even though I never went back, knowing over time that I was being emotionally abused, I converted and molded them into my propeller. I ran with the speed of light, nothing would hold me back, and the least I could do was prove to the world I was worth something!
I also strongly believe millennials have it worse off with the advent of social media and everyone trying to keep up with the Jones. If they aren’t comparing themselves with a popular male/female celebrity, it’s some random heavily modified person often not knowing how much effort it took to paint the current picture they like and possibly want. What we fail to realize is this;
Life is a race, each man assigned a track race and style to run. While some may be built for short 100 meter relays, others may have been built to run marathons or hurdle relays. For the 100 meter relay runners, you take your marks, the gun shot resounds in your ear, you take off, and rather than focus on the finish line, you’re busy admiring the shoes of your co-runner jealousy wondering why they have them on rather than you. Sometimes, we go as far as wishing we could run hurdles meanwhile God didn’t design us for that.
Heart gripped tight, chest heaving about to explode. Days upon days it expanded, slowly boiling to an eruption. What is this alien feeling? Sleep have you suddenly eluded me? Nothing relieved me, every alternative thing only brought with it temporal bliss and in seconds, away it went with the wind! Pile upon pile, I stocked, one more and perhaps it would make THE difference, it didn’t go away!
So there I sat, gazing into nothingness, the wind howling in my ears. Till He said;
You are in competition with no one, you are in a league of your own! Peace be still!
Now I see this beauty I’ve had all around me. The beauty of life, of accomplishments I never paused to thank Him for, of relationships that upheld me and that I’ve been designed to run my own race on my own custom track and nobody else’s. That I have a crowd of witnesses cheering me on to bring the trophy home.
Alas, my heart’s at peace!
